While it was ironic that Steve Spurrier took the first 50-point loss of his career to the monster he helped create, there weren't many changes in the poll this week: PVS AP COACH BCS 1. Texas Tech (10-0) 1 2 2 2 2. Alabama (11-0) 2 1 1 1 3. Florida (9-1) 3 3 3 4 4. Texas (10-1) 4 4 4 3 5. Oklahoma (9-1) 5 5 5 5 6. Southern Cal (9-1) 6 6 6 6 7. Penn State (10-1) 7 7 8 8 8. Utah (11-0) 8 8 7 7 9. Oklahoma State (9-2) 9 11 12 12 10. Boise State (10-0) 10 9 9 9 11. Ohio State (9-2) 11 10 10 10 12. Missouri (9-2) 13 12 11 13 13. Georgia (9-2) 12 13 13 11 14. Michigan State (9-2) 15 17 15 15 15. TCU (9-2) 16 15 17 16 16. Brigham Young (10-1) 17 16 14 14 17. Ball State (10-0) 20 14 16 18. Oregon State (7-3) 21 21 21 19. LSU (7-3) 18 18 18 20. Cincinnati (8-2) 22 19 20 21. Oregon (8-3) NR 24 22 22. North Carolina (7-3) 14 25 (27) 23. Georgia Tech (7-3) 24 (28) (28) 24. Miami, Fla (7-3) NR 23 (26) 25. Pittsburgh (7-2) NR 20 19 Dropped Out: South Carolina (19), Virginia Tech (23), Florida State (25) On the Bubble: Boston College, Maryland, Florida State, West Virginia, Northwestern, South Carolina, Arizona, & California Top 25 Conference Breakdown: Big 12 - 5 SEC - 4 ACC - 3 Big 10 - 3 Mtn West - 3 Pac 10 - 3 Big East - 2 WAC - 1 MAC - 1 After the election, I heard a lot of people speculate that we may have seated the anti-Christ as our own president. I didn't pay much heed to the allegations until something even more impossible happened - Vanderbilt qualified for a bowl game! After blowing their last 17 or 19 chances to reach the post season, they really shut Kentucky down in the fist half and held on for dear life in the end. Kentucky had more personal fouls than a falconer or Dennis Rodman - most of which extended drives that resulted in TD's. Even more amazing was the Vanderbilt captured their bowl berth with Chris Nixson at QB. He did play one of his better games Saturday and outdueled Kentucky Freshman Corn Cobb. Congratulations to Vanderbilt. Let's just hope their bowl game is completed before the impeneding Armogeddon sets in. If that does happen, I certainly hope Bob Davie doesn't become a war correspondent. His statement of the week: "Vanderbilt dropping the punt really helped Kentucky" had me turning to Musburger! The win may also help Ole Miss secure a Peach Bowl bid unless Vanderbilt can work their way in there. The SEC Bowl Picture is a little clearer now: National Championship: Bama-Florida Winner vs. Okla-Tex Tech Winner Sugar Bowl: Bama-Florida Loser vs. Big East Champ or BCS Buster Capital One Bowl: Georgia vs. Ohio State, Michigan State, or Penn State Cotton Bowl: LSU-Ole Miss Winner vs. Okla-Tex Tech Loser Outback Bowl: South Carolina vs. Mich State-Penn State Loser or Iowa Peach Bowl: Ole Miss or Vanderbilt vs. Florida State or Miami Music City Bowl: Vanderbilt or Ole Miss-LSU Loser vs. Georgia Tech Liberty Bowl: Kentucky vs. Houston Independence Bowl: Maybe Arkansas (improbable) vs. La Tech Fiesta Bowl: Texas vs. USC or Ohio State Orange Bowl: ACC Champ vs. Big East Champ or BCS Buster Rose Bowl: USC or Oregon State vs. Penn State or Ohio State THE SEC STANDINGS: WEST CONF OVR EAST CONF OVR Alabama 7-0 11-0^ Florida 7-1 10-1^ LSU 3-3 7-3* Georgia 6-2 9-2* Ole Miss 3-3 6-4* Vanderbilt 4-3 6-4 Auburn 2-5 5-6* So Carolina 4-4 7-4* Arkansas 1-5 4-6* Kentucky 2-5 6-5* Miss State 1-5 3-7* Tennessee 1-5 3-7 EAST vs. WEST = 9-5 ^-Clinched division title *-Win over 1-AA opponent Before the Mississippi State-Alabama game, the two head coaches put on a fashion show with Sylvester Croom dressed as either a vampire or funeral director and Nick Saban as either a pall bearer or defendant. Both changed into their senior citizen windsuits before gametime but not before ESPN Sideline Irritant Holly Rowe caught Saban and asked him the very question that everyone in America knew would anger him to homicidal rage: "Have you or your players thought any about the Florida game?" The Product was chomping at the bit to see Saint Nick lose his temper, become Bobby Knight, and strangle Rowe like James Garner did Gena Rowlands in the last scene of "The Notebook". However, America's most powerful coach kept his cool and answered the question like a real human (which was, in essence, "We're focused on this game") and briskly walked away. While State's defense put up a stand in the first half, their punt team cost them 16 points (and Croom physically scared the special teams coach), and Bama's offense finally wore down the Dogs in the second half for a solid 32-7 victory. My favorite part of the game was when State changed quarterbacks and ran one series in the spread offense. I thought Auburn was on the field. Honestly, Bama has a great defense, but so have many other SEC Champions in the past few years; however, I can't recall a team in recent years that run blocks as well as this one from the actual offensive linemen to the wide receivers to the backup linebackers on punt returns. I believe that's the major difference between last year's team and this one. And will somebody besides Mississippi State please hire Rocky Felker. Poor Rocky was the Bulldog Head Coach in the 80's only to be dismissed after just a few years. Now, he's coaching running backs for the same team that fired him years before. Surely a C-USA team could use an option attack. Rocky, where's your dignity man? This week, all I heard about from the fringe wing of the Bama Nation were the words "credit" and "relevance". Apparently, it's not enough to be ranked number 1 (or number 2 in America's most accurate poll) and controlling your own destiny to the BCS Championship. No, the entire media have to acknowledge that the Tide is the best team in the nation, and anyone who speculates that Florida will likely beat them in the SEC Championship is "not giving them enough credit". Case in point, CBS analyst Gary Danielson appeared on the Paul Finebaum Radio Show in Birmingham and fielded questions from angry Bama fans about his "bias" towards LSU. Most of the perceived bias came because he was upset at LSU's poor play call on the overtime interception and the fact that he blamed LSU quaterback Jet Li for "giving" Alabama two touchdowns. By blaming LSU, a few fans decided that Danielson wasn't giving the Tide defense the credit it deserved. Just imagine if a real SEC hater like Musburger were on the show. I heard the word "credit" so many times that I could've been watching the Neal Cavuto Show on Fox Business. On another show, rock DJ turned sports radio moderator Tony Kurre has drawn much caller ire for specualting that Florida is a better team than Alabama due to their blowout wins the past few weeks. One caller actually told him that he was hurting the team by not "getting on the bandwagon" and supporting the Tide. Later this week, I heard from several callers that Auburn has become "irrelevant" and that "the Tide is always relevant even when they're 6-6." With the "credit" and "relevant" all of a sudden on the scene, one would think that Tider Insider or Tide Pride or Shane from Center Point is giving talking points to the fringe callers. I'm guessing that promoting at all costs the "top program" image is viewed as a recruiting tool by the fringe nuts, but you're driving everybody (including the average Bama fan) crazy. You'd be surprised at how much grief I've caught for putting Texas Tech number 1, but frankly, their road to the BCS Championship (Kansas, Texas, Oklahoma State, Oklahoma, and Missouri) is a little tougher than Bama's (Georgia, Ole Miss, LSU, and Florida) in shear numbers, and since it will be decided on the field, it doesn't matter how much "credit" I give Bama or other less "relevant" programs. The night before the State-Bama game, the Coach O and The Catfish Road Show hit T-town with America's leading reprobate, The Product, for a night of manly behavior. As usual, they ended up at S&K Men's Wear after The Product bet Coach O's clothes on Auburn to beat Georgia. At S&K, they ran into Nick Saban buying a gray suit, "Give me the Paul Reubens and don't ask me about Florida!" Saban told the sales lady before spotting Coach O. "How are you doing, Ed," Saban smugly quipped, "I heard you were performing same sex marriages in New Orleans." "I did get ordained but decided to work for OPI instead," Coach O sheepishly grumbled. Saban chuckled, so Orgeron ripped his shirt off and yelled, "but at least I don't cover this hard body with a $50 suit! You're no Urban Meyer!" "Are you challenging my manhoodt?" Saban laughed, "the last guy who did that will be lucky to beat Troy State tomorrow!" The men then set off to perform feats of manliness. The Product decided that punching themselves in the stomach would work well, so Saban asked him to demonstrate. Hearing the crack of ribs convinced he coaches to find another contest. Saban suggested a gummy worm eating competition. Having the larger stomach, Orgeron easily agreed to go first. Coach O polished off pack after back before finishing with 3.4 pounds of gummy worms downed. Saban then answered by eating one gummy worm and calling it a day. "I guess you're the bigger man, Ed. I'll check in with you tomorrow." "You betcha," Oregeron said as Saban walked away, "Ai-yee!" The next morning, the final leg of the Miss OPI Competition was set to begin as Miss Alabama Terrance Cody was set to wrestle Miss LSU Gracie the Cat. Butch was there as guest referee with his pregnant girlfriends, former Miss Alabama's the Special K Twins, there to cover the participants in mud. Butch had agreed to marry the one who bore his first born son, so the normally close twins were being testy with each other, and each was covered in mud before the competition began. Just before Gracie clawed Cody's knee, one of the girls yelled, "My water just broke!" and Butch ran to her aid. "Help! Help! She sprung a leak!" Butch screamed, "get me some maxi pads!" "I'm about to our baby, you dumbass," the girl yelled while pulling Butch's beard, "get Coach O's Hummer and drive me to the hospital!" "Oh no you don't, whore!" the other twin shrieked, "you're not going to steal my man!" She grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and to make a long story short - her water was now broken, too! As a doctor in training, everyone asked The Catfish for help. "I think maybe we should get them to the hospital. Get the Hummer, Coach O!" But Coach O was laying on the ground with a major stomach ache. "Oh-yo-yo-yo, I bemoanin' a major cap in the tummy, you betcha." Nick Saban then jumped out in his cheap gray suit, "Who's the real man now, you coonass! Not so tough now with a colon full of gummy worms. I'll see you in the cheese line, Orgeron." Just minutes later, The Catfish was in the middle of the Quad with three patients spread eagle facing him - the two girls in labor and Coach Orgeron passing a gummy brick. Butch had run away as if spooked by gunfire only to return with Stan the Mandolin. "Listen, The Catfish," Butch said, "you can't deliver a baby until I marry one of these girls. This bookie is also ordained for weddings. Go ahead, Stan." The Mandolin spoke in his usual turtle's pace, "Ladies - and - gentlemen - and - I - use - that - term - loosely. Ha. Ha. Ha. We - are - gathered - here - today - to - wed - this - scary - man - to - one - of - the - two - women - bearing - his - child. Well - children - ha - ha - ha." "Dammit!" The Catfish said, "Auburn will win another SEC game before you get done with this. Is there a faster way?" Oregeron mustered enough strength to tell The Catfish that he can perform the weddings, "but only after you clean me out, boss," and then expelled America's fruitiest fart. "I've seen this before," Nick Saban chimed in, "you're only option is to extract the mass by hand. Hee hee." "No way! Not this time!" The Catfish said, "I've held his balls, stuck my perfect hair in his bleeding ass, stayed glued to his pants for hours, and even pulled 3-inch Rosary Beads out of The Product's ass, but I'm not doing this!" But Butch took Stan the Mandolin's clippers and said, "Oh, but I think you will." Knowing how serious Butch was about cutting The Catfish's perfect hair, he complied and extracted the 4 foot long impacted tube of gummy worms. Coach O performed a quick ceremony with the shorter of the two twins hollering, "I do!" before the other one, so the race was on to birth the first baby. After plopping out the two kids, it became obvious that neither child belonged to Butch... and everyone but Butch could see it. "Oh look," Butch said, "they look just like me!" "No they don't, you crazy shit!" The Catfish said, "these babies are black." The first girl explained, "I'm sorry Butch, but Tarrence Cody has done such a good job on the team that I rewarded him with my hot body. Please don't tell my parents!" Then the second twin chimed in, "And I was so captivated by Julio Jones' dreamy facial features that I couldn't resist his charm! Don't tell my other husband, Corey!" Nick Saban then chimed in, "This all makes sense, all of the Tide's recruits are superhuman, so their babies are born in less than two months. This is a victory for all of us... well, everybody but you Butch. You just married two women who had other men's babies and watched The Catfish ream out Ed Orgeron like a constipated horse. This hasn't been your best day." "Yeah, you're right," Butch quipped, "but at least I've beaten Urban Meyer. We'll see if you can say the same in three weeks." I predicted that Auburn would give Georgia a tough game but not have enough passing ability to pull it out in the end. Honestly, Auburn did improve on its recent meltdowns while Georgia came out like Ben Stein after traffic court. In the end, I do agree that some of the contact on one of the last Auburn passing plays may have been a bit excessive, but Kodi Burns was still forcing passes and anticipating more pressure than was actually coming. Honestly, Kodi Burns either looked better or I was fooled by Auburn's fans, who cheered ravenously anytime he didn't fumble a snap. Each completion seemed like a touchdown, and each score sounded like a soccer goal or the birth of a child. In stark contrast, Georgia's victory celebration was tamer than McCain's post election party being they expected to be 11-0 or 10-1 at this point. As for Auburn's fearless leader, he was not nearly as happy as the fans. The NCAA's favorite gas station attendent executed the shortarmed Frenchman airslap with the disgusting look of a gasoline driveoff reaction. It was also evident that the Under Armor logo on his shirt was equal in size to the Auburn one, which illustrates a big part of Auburn's problems. The OPI SEC Power Ratings 1. FLORIDA - Hands Spurrier worse loss ever (SAME) 2. ALABAMA - Saban now 1-1 versus Croom (SAME) 3. GEORGIA - No emotion but talented enough to cruise (SAME) 4. LSU - Should have lost to Troy State... and yet no 4 (SAME) 5. SOUTH CAROLINA - Circumsized by Tebow - joins the club (SAME) 6. OLE MISS - Peaking at the right time (SAME) 7. VANDERBILT - Endless bowl drought finally over (UP 1) 8. KENTUCKY - Penalties cost them Saturday (DOWN 1) 9. ARKANSAS - Pig meat (SAME) 10. AUBURN - Showed some heart Saturday (UP 2) 11. TENNESSEE - Smokey's been neutered! (DOWN 1) 12. MISS STATE - No offense whatsoever (DOWN 1) For you Southern Miss fans, it appears that the Golden Eagles will defeat SMU next week and rally to a 6-6 record (after a 2-6 start) and probable bowl invite under their new coach (whose name escapes me at the time). The Dead Eagles may be a player in C-USA next season while their players learn to read and write. TEAM OF THE WEEK: LSU. How sad is it that a team is horrified by their own fans? LSU was down 31-3 to Troy State halfway through the 3rd quarter when their disgusted (or is it "disgusting") fans began to file out of the stadium like it was a Taylor Hicks concert. Over the next 12 minutes, the Tigers came roaring back to take the lead and ended up scoring 30 4th quarter points to win 40-31. Unfortunately for LSU, their fans hate Ole Miss more than the average team and are sure to show up to sicken their own players again. I do wonder if Troy would have scored enough to stave off the comeback if Tony Franklin were still there. GAME OF THE WEEK: Washington (0-10) at Washington State (1-10). This season, the Apple Cup is covered with worms. Washington is playing like a bunch of politcally correct pansies that are scared to tackle any player of color. On the other hand, Washington State couldn't knock over a bucket of paint. I hope this game is on television just to demonstrate how low Division I football can sink. There will be more fans with bags over their heads than not. This week, Vanderbilt was the only SEC team who screwed me, and I hit the upset wins for Miami, Houston, and Soutern Miss. My SEC record is now 68-16 (81%) and 32-9 (78%) in head-to-head contests. This week, I'll improve those marks: Florida 87 The Citadel 6 Tennessee at Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt is coming off the high of bowl eligibility and may not be focused enough to handle the Vols. Tennessee was embarassed by Wyoming and had a bye week to prepare. Tennessee 21 Vanderbilt 20. Arkansas at Mississippi State. Mississippi State has a very good defense but simply cannot move the ball. This should be a good game, but I think Arkansas can outscore the Dawgs. Arkansas 17 State 10. Ole Miss at LSU. LSU may have found confidence in their big comeback last week, but they're still not up to last year's caliber. Look for Ole Miss to stay with them, but home field wins out in the end (anyway, could you imagine this LSU team losing 3 games at home?). LSU 28 Ole Miss 24. Now for the rest of the country: Texas Tech at Oklahoma. I think Texas Tech will light up Oklahoma for a good many points but also see Oklahoma's defense as better than Texas' and their offense more apt to keep Tech off the field more than Oklahoma State. In the end, I see the Sooners outscoring the Raiders in this one. Oklahoma 36 Texas Tech 31. Michigan State at Penn State. I see Michigan State running the ball well and upsetting Penn State's rhythm on both sides of the ball. UPSET - Michigan State wins on the road. Pittsburgh at Cincinnati. The winner of this game has the inside track to the Big East title and the BCS. Cincinnati has won several close ones this season and will pull this one out. Bearcats by 3 at home. UPSET - Arizona will upset Oregon State at home. Wildcats by 4. Thursday night, Miami will score a huge road win over Georgia Tech. Canes by 4. Florida State at Maryland. Maryland is much tougher at home than on the road, and Florida State has a lot of trouble scoring TD's. Terps by 2 at home. Illinois needs a big road win at Northwestern to become bowl eligibile. I look for them to pull it out. Illini by 7 on the road. Kansas State will use home field to defeat Iowa State. K State by 11. Wake Forest has lost their bearings and will drop another home game, this time to Boston College. BC by 7 on the road. Clemson at Virginia. Both teams have recovered from early setbacks and desparately need this game for a bowl berth. I'm going with the home team in this one - Virginia by 3. Virginia Tech will use home field to outlast Duke. Hokies by 10. North Carolina will defeat NC State at home. Heels by 15. Michigan at Ohio State will be brutal. Buckeyes by 24 at home. Minnesota will use home field to score a slight upset over Iowa. Gophers by 3 at home. Purdue will use home field to win the Bird-Mellencamp Bowl over Inidiana and send Joe Tiller out with class... and a Toro tiller. Boilermakers by 14. California will edge Stanford at home. Bears by 4. Washington will finally score a win by defeating Washington State on the road. Huskies by 18. West Virginia will score a road victory at Louisville. Mountaineers by 6. South Florida seems lost but will pull things together to outlast UConn at home. Bulls by 2. Despite their loss to Southern Miss, East Carloina will keep their C-USA East lead by defeating UAB on the road. Pirates by 8. Houston will use home field to defeat UTEP and follow their 70-30 win over Tulsa. Cougs by 13. Rice will use home field to stick it to Marshall. Owls by 7 at home. Central Florida will score a road win at Memphis. Golden Knights by 9. Tulsa will take out frustration on Tulane. Golden Hurricanes by 20 at home. UPSET - Central Michigan will use home field to upend Ball State Wednesday night. Chippewas by 3. How did BYU manage to face both TCU and Utah on the road, and how did Utah manage both of those teams at home? Utah will claim their BCS spot by outlasting BYU. Utah by 6 at home. TCU will use home field to dismantle Air Force. Frogs by 12. Notre Dame should wax Syracuse like a Catholic candle. Irish by 17 at home. Boise State better be on upset alert but should outscore Nevada even on the road. Boise State in OT. Troy State will finally claim a Sun Belt title by defeating La-Lafayette at home. Trojans by 10.